I wrote this the other day, and my finger has lingered over the publish button for a while.
Sometimes I am afraid that being a moho is just a transition from mo to ho. I have started to wonder why I am staying in the repressed Mormon lifestyle. I don’t think that it is because of my testimony any more, as much as that would be nice to believe. So then I thought that it was because leaving the LDS lifestyle would mean leaving my support networks- specifically my parents. Then I realized that recent events have already taken away the support of my parents. They are not a support right now.
Now I think that it is because I am the support network. Now that my parents suddenly aren’t, I am. My siblings are so traumatized right now, I can’t disrupt the last stable thing for them. But even as I type this I wonder, am I really that self-sacrificing? It is a rather heroic excuse. Is that just because I want the reason to be heroic, or is it because I am really heroic?
Maybe the real reason is that I have no balls. Why is that so hard to accept?
P.S. This post makes me sound weak. It is really scary to allow myself to be seen as weak. I am still trying to maintain, however, this forum of honesty. Even now that I know some of you.
P.P.S. If you didn’t, you should read Mormon Enigma’s post, “What is it that we really want?“