“I found the pieces in my hand. They were always there, it just took some time for me to understand. You gave me words I just can’t say. So if nothing else, I’ll just hold on while you drift away. Cause everything you wanted me to hide, is everything that makes me feel alive. . .”
Is it bad that every time I hear a song about breaking up I think about the Church?
I’ve noticed that my Bishop has given up on me. In September I approached him to tell him that I felt like there was a war over my soul between homosexuality and Mormonism. I told him that not only was the Church loosing the war, it wasn’t even fighting for me. He proceeded to meet with me over the next few weeks to try and encourage me, but he quickly ran out of things to say. I’ll be honest, the visits were annoying and often felt like interrogations based on my roommate’s remarks to him.
In early December I told him that I planned on living an open and active homosexual lifestyle after I graduated BYU because I didn’t feel like the Church provided me with a celibate lifestyle I could handle. He didn’t know what to say, and said that he’d like to meet with me and the stake president because he just didn’t have anything good to say despite petitioning the Lord. He said he would ask the Stake President if that was ok and arrange the meeting. The meeting never happened.
I have started to consistently ditch Sunday School and Priesthood meetings. I don’t go to ward prayer. I don’t go to any of the activities. I make statements of non-testimony to my roommates. I am starting to become, *gasp*, partially less active. All of this is intentional on my part, and yet I can’t help but feeling a little disappointed that no one is doing anything about it.
No one is trying to reach out to me and convince me to stay. No one is commenting that they miss me at meetings and activities. My bishop hasn’t said anything to me since that last December meeting. Even my family, which desperately wants me to stay active in the Church, doesn’t want to talk about it. I love the Church; it was everything to me in my youth, but it isn’t trying to keep me. Now I’m not so vain as to think that I am important enough to make something fight for me, but still. I realize that if they were reaching out to me I’d be complaining about it and resisting their outstretched hands, but still.
You know, if you knew how hard it was for me to let go of this Church, then maybe you would realize just how important ones sexuality is, and just how important my sexuality is to me.
“I held the pieces of my soul. I was shattered and I wanted you to come and make me whole. Then I saw you yesterday. But you didn’t notice, and you just walked away. Cause everything you wanted me to hide, is everything that makes me feel alive” (Vertical Horizon).