“I am vindicated! I am selfish. I am wrong. I am right; I swear I’m right, swear I knew it all along. And I am flawed, but I am cleaning up so well. I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself” (Dashboard Confessional).
Today was my last therapy session. I just don’t need it anymore. I have the tools to get through life on my own now. A little while ago I posted about the transformation that I’ve undergone since coming home from my mission. Well, now I have had that change confirmed.
If you have ever been to BYU’s counseling center, you will be familiar with the little questionnaires that have you fill out before each session. What you may not know is that your answers are compiled into an evaluation that is assigned a number. The number 120 coincides with intolerable amounts of distress. 63 is the magic number. Any number above 63 means that you need treatment. Any number below 63 means you are a normal person and don’t need help.
My therapist and I were able to look back on my history all the way to fall of 2004 and track my mental health number. When I started therapy, I was in the high sixties. I went up and down insignificant amounts for a while. In February of 2005 I had a brief relationship with big boobs girl. My psychologist mentioned that though I said I was really happy during that period of time, my number actually spiked up to the high 70’s. When it was over, I went back down to the high 50’s. When I stopped therapy at the end of the school year, I was back in the low 60’s. Then I went on my mission. I came back after two years with a 103. I stayed in the high 90’s for a few weeks, until I started this blog. Then I went down to 77. I continued to go down until a family tragedy that bumped me up to 116- a dangerous level. That lasted 3 weeks, and then I started dating guys. I went down to the mid 60’s again. Then on November 8th, I went down to 46. I continued to get better. Today I am 24. That is so far below the magical 63 it’s not even funny!
Basically, this data tells me that dating guys, for me, is healthy. So much so that it did for my mental health what dating girls, celibacy, faithful church membership, and a mission couldn’t do. To quote a letter from the CCC, “It appears that your current level of distress is more similar to persons who function well in society and who do not feel overly burdened by their levels of distress.” No wonder I feel so happy! Literally, I’ve never been better!
Please be sensitive and respectable with the things that I have shared in this post. They are VERY personal and very private. I decided to share them in such a public way because I wanted to provide hope for those who need it. To those who may feel like they’re in the 80’s, or even at 116- I know how you feel, and it can go away! I had to find my own path to make it happen. You will find whatever it is that you need to make it happen for you.
“So turn up the corners of your lips. Part them and feel my finger tips. Trace the moment fall forever. Defense is paper thin, just one touch and I’ll be in too deep now to ever swim against the current, so let me slip away” (Dashboard Confessional).