For the longest time I was outside looking in the window on the “ideal” family I was barred from. It was a miserable existence I lead, always obsessed with the one thing I couldn’t have. I didn’t notice that there were all these wonderful things here in the outside. Like, taking the Peter Pan analogy farther, being able to fly around London.
Now that I’ve been able to let go of the window, I have really been able to enjoy life and find myself. In the month of November, for example, I had 3 or 4 bad days. ! Tell me that doesn’t indicate something changing for the better. I have learned so much about myself- so much about what I like and believe and am. I have discovered a person that I can love and cherish and be with. It’s wonderful.
But the window is still there. I’m not perched on the window sill looking in anymore, now it is my parents that are at the window looking out. They don’t understand this world that I am flying around in. They only know the comforts and joys of their house- wonderful comforts and joys to be sure. I feel like in my new found joys they are left behind. My mom has asked me only to talk to her about the things we can agree on- which means not being able to tell her about my relationship and all the joy that I now have in day to day life. My dad, though more open to talking about it, likewise shuts down any notion of a same gender relationship being a possibility. I feel more distant from them than ever before- almost like our relationship is forced into becoming superficial and confined.
Things are getting better. Our limited subject conversations are cheerful and friendly. We are at least still talking- and we enjoy talking. I just wish they would stop pitying me and start trying to actually understand me.
I wonder if the window will always be there, or if some day we can get away from that barrier that separates us. What can I do to break down the window?