Delusions of Grandeur

“Don’t give up because you want to be heard. If silence keeps you I, I will break it for you. Everybody wants to be understood. Well I can hear you. Everybody wants to be loved. Don’t give up” (Josh Groban).

Dating girls. I briefly mentioned that I wasn’t going to date girls and referenced something that a former girlfriend said to justify it. I didn’t expect it to start a small debate on the subject, but people have been talking about it. I have avoided the subject, but after Draco’s post, I feel ready to revisit the topic.

The reason that I’m not dating girls right now is because of how unfulfilling it is for me. The last girl that I dated was great. She was cute and funny and liked musicals and good books. Every date, however, was like a homework assignment. I was constantly focused on what I needed to do and how to do it- like a series of chores. I just wasn’t interested in her. I was only interested in having a wife and being “fixed.” Nothing was natural, it was all deliberately accomplished in a failing effort to have something that I wanted but couldn’t have.

So then deciding not to date left me wondering if I would ever learn how to love anyone. It left me wondering if I would always be alone. I couldn’t stand the thought of that- a lifetime of celibacy is so much to ask of anyone. So what was I supposed to do? Start dating guys? Just hang out with friends constantly? Become a recluse? After deliberating and dabbling in new things, I think I have found my path.

“I’m so alive. I’m so enlightened. I can barely survive a night in my mind. I’ve got a plan. I’m gonna find out just how boring I am, and have a good time- Cause ever since I tried trying not to find every little meaning in my life it’s been fine. I’ve been cool with my new golden rule . . .Stop trying to figure it out (you try to figure, you try to figure it out), it will only bring you down” (John Mayer).


One thought on “Delusions of Grandeur

  1. Wow. You must completely understand everything I am feeling. I don’t know what to do, either. This is the crossroads of which I was speaking in my blog.If you are all learning this together, let me learn with you. I really want to do what is right, but I am so torn.

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