“I am a question to the world, not an answer to be heard, or a moment that’s held in your arms. And what do you think you’d ever say? I won’t listen anyway. You don’t know me, and I’ll never be what you want me to be. And what do you think you’d understand? I’m a boy, no, I’m a man. You can take me and throw me away. And how can you learn what’s never shown? Yeah, you stand here on your own. They don’t know me ’cause I’m not here. And I want a moment to be real, wanna touch things I don’t feel, wanna hold on and feel I belong. And how can the world want me to change? They’re the ones that stay the same. They don’t know me, ‘Cause I’m not here. (Johnny Rzeznik).
I saw big boobs girl today. Big boobs girl is a girl I dated my freshman year. I know that she has big boobs because my roommate told me that she has big boobs. Knowing that important fact made me sure that she was the one who would fix me. I made out with her in the library. It didn’t do anything for me.
It was weird to run into her for the first time since my mission. She was there with her husband. I kinda felt guilty. As if to seal the guilt, my high school girlfriend called me. I wanted to tell her in person about me, but that meant waiting for Christmas. I couldn’t wait. I told her. She was way understanding. It helped that I was the third x-boyfriend of hers to come out to her. Poor girl. She had very insightful things to say. She said that a lot of parents have a hard time with their kids coming out because it shatters their dreams/plans, one of which is grandchildren. Another thing she said was that I should never date girls. She said it’s not fair to them or to me. And she’s had three gay boyfriends now, so I trust her insight. I won’t completely rule it out of my future, though.
“And you see the things they never see. All you wanted, I could be. Now you know me, and I’m not afraid, and I wanna tell you who I am. Can you help me be a man? They can’t break me as long as I know who I am . . . They can’t tell me who to be, ‘Cause I’m not what they see. And the world is still sleepin’, while I keep on dreamin’ for me. And their words are just whispers and lies that I’ll never believe . . .” (Johnny Rzeznik).