“It’s easier to run, replacing this pain with something numb. It’s so much easier to go than face all this pain here all alone. Something has been taken from deep inside of me. The secret I’ve kept locked away no one can ever see. Wounds so deep they never show they never go away, like moving pictures in my head for years and years they’ve played” (Linkin Park).
So last week I talked to my parents individually for the first time about what my life is actually like with these attractions. I knew they were having untold stresses of their own, and I hadn’t really planned on telling them, but I needed to share it with someone. I thought the conversations went well. Apparently they didn’t. (long story why)
Anyway, to be concise, my dad called me the morning after I had talked with my mom and said, “So let me get this straight, after two years on a mission, you’re just going to give it all way to live a gay lifestyle?” If you could have seen me, you would have seen a classic wtf face. I never said anything like that.
So my parents just overreacted and freaked out. My mom thinks that blogs are akin to porn because both are on the internet. That’s just one example of their ridiculous fears. Skipping ahead to the point, my mom and I had a three way conversation with my therapist to clarify some things. I asked her what she wanted, and she said she just wants me to be normal. I told her that was such a loaded word, and asked if I could replace it with the word healthy. She said no. So then I asked how important it was for me to be normal. I asked if being normal was worth the cost of being healthy. She couldn’t answer the question.
My mom would rather me be who she wants than be a mentally healthy person.
I asked how this was going to be accomplished. She said that she didn’t know, but that she was trying to find the solution. She said she thinks that we are on the verge of discovering the cure. I can understand why she would want a cure. I wanted one for many many years. But that’s not what I want now. When I was hoping for a cure, then every day- every moment- that I wasn’t cured was a disappointment. It was a terrible way for me to live. I don’t have that expectation anymore. (unfortunately I have replaced it with another unhealthy expectation, but that’s a whole new post).
My parents took a major loss this week. They have put themselves on another team. All I wanted was to feel like they were on my team, but they aren’t. The result is that I don’t trust them with my feelings any more. I can’t tell them what’s going on in my life. That is a major loss for them. They just severed communication. They also made me extremely bitter. It’s too easy for me to blame the Church for their insensitivity, ignorance, and lack of compassion, unfair as that is. I’m just so tired of it all.
“I remember what they taught to me, remember condescending talk of who I ought to be, remember listening to all of that and this again. So I pretended up a person who was fittin’ in, and now you think this person really is me and I’m trying to bend the truth. But the more I push the more I’m pulling away . . .” (Linkin Park).