I need someone to talk to so bad I’m gonna puke. I have lived in solitude for so long and it is so lonely. It is driving me insane, and I mean that literally. I thought about telling my brother, “Thomas” because he is my best friend and I can talk to him about anything and he is so understanding and he thinks the same way I do (except that he is clearly straight). But he is about to leave on a mission, and I worry that it would be too much for him. Besides, I don’t want to talk to someone who pretends to know what it’s like, I want someone I can talk to who knows what it is like.
And I think I might have found it, and I’m excited and hyperactive and nervous and completely unable to function. It would be so nice to be able to talk to someone who not only knew what it was like to have ssa, but who knew what it was like to grow up where I grew up and to come from my specific culture and who could laugh about it with me.
And you know what. Today I was walking and I saw a hot guy, and I said to myself, “wow he’s hot” and then I kept walking. It was awesome. I didn’t have to stop and analyze it. I didn’t beat myself up with a baseball bat. I didn’t hate myself, because for the first time in my life I don’t think that I’m a monster. Why? because other people came from where I came from- and they have these feelings too. And if I’m not the only one, then maybe I’m not a hideous freak. Maybe I’m not doomed to a life of silence.