Question

Here’s a question for all of you more experienced LDS-SSA people.

I told my therapist how much I loved this new blog. I explained how much it meant to me to have these comments of support and to discover that there are other people in my age group going through exactly what I’m going through. It has really been helping me (my sanity, happiness levels, self esteem, security, functionability) to know about these people and feel support from them.

Well, my therapist told me about different options – support groups, Evergreen meetings, group therapy, etc- where I can meet these people and really feel like I have friends who actually know what its like- not ones that pretend they understand, but people who know. I think it would be great, but I told him that I wasn’t ready because I was afraid. Like any therapist, he asked me what I was afraid of.

I am afraid that I might like someone that I meet. And I am even more afraid that he might like me.

Funny. I have an unquenchable desire to be liked by other guys, and yet I am completely unable and unwilling to allow another guy to like me. Anyway, my question is,

Is this a legitimate fear? What if it happens, what then? What kinds of things have you done to get past this fear? What is proper etiquette in these situations? If you have done any of these things, has it helped you?

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4 thoughts on “Question

  1. I advocate meeting in groups. I advocate not hanging out one on one with someone you find attractive, unless you plan on doing something about it.I would fully welcome you to come to any of our singalongs that we have at our house, or any other group activity. It helps immensely to be able to talk to someone who knows at an intrinsic level what you deal with.

  2. “What is proper etiquette in these situations?”You know how straight guys have female friends? It’s like that. Be there as a friend and don’t have sex with them.”Is this a legitimate fear?”That you might become emotionally connected to another guy as you are programmed to do? Yes. Yhough fearing it might be like fearing the oxygen you breath.If I were you I’d be more worried about the whole waking-nightmares issue.

  3. “I am completely unable and unwilling to allow another guy to like me.”Digest that for a minute; no wonder you mention today that you want to puke. Remember, love is the great commandment. Faith should allow us to enter relationships of trust, and the Spirit can guide us when we get too close to the line. We learn from our conflicts and mistakes.These are all principles of the Gospel. If you take the risk of meeting in supervised group activities with other Mohos to build understanding and friendships, then emotional bonding may take place. This is not bad, this is real and important learning. Can you keep the rules inherent in such groups? Probably. Will you be tempted beyond that which you’re unable to bear? Probably not. I say have faith in yourself and learn to love more fully.

  4. Interestingly, at the Evergreen conference this weekend there was a workshop in which Evergreen denied sponsoring support groups. Their workbooks and ideas have been put forth in other support groups, but apparently those are independent of Evergreen International. I’ve known many young men who have joined support groups only to find a way away from the gospel, rather than being supported within it. The trick, I suppose is to never allow the group to tell you what your standards should be. You know where to draw the line. If there’s a camping trip planned for the support group, and you feel that would be a dangerous place for you–you don’t have to go. But you probably will, because it’s the support group, and you want to be with them–you see the problem here, I’m sure.Online support can be a step in the right direction. You need to be aware that as soon as you start meeting with other SSA men, chances are that you’ll find one (or more) you’re attracted to, and there will be others attracted to you. That’s part of being human, and you can’t run from it for the rest of your life. So–what will you do to prepare for it?Lecture from the Queen is now over. Welcome to the Queerosphere.

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